So as I have said a ton of times I will soon be relocating to Memphis TN. I am scared about this, because well Kensei and I have been Fighting A LOT lately not, you know huge arguments but little ones that stress me out because well if we are like this apart what will happen when we are together and driving each other crazy with little things we never noticed before?
I am leaving all of my friends and family to go up there, where all I will know is him and have a slight acquaintance with his friends most of whom I honestly don't really like.
I also have been questioning our relationship, I will be the first to admit I am stubborn to a fault, and because I got so much grief about dating him the first time have I stuck it out this long because I don't want them to be proven right? I have also always been a romantic, naive, fairy tale kinda girl, am I being so stubborn because I WANT my happily ever after?
We had another argument tonight, it wasn't even really an argument, I was working and it's Sunday, on Sunday's he goes out with his friends until WAY late o'clock, and I usually don't complain, although he gets pissed when he calls at 4am (last weekend) and I am asleep so I do this thing where I mumble a lot of noncommittal answers and I love yous every time he says something. (In my defense I had been at work since six am that morning, got off at 12 so I was tired!)
But anyways back to today, he called me at work, I was super happy to talk to him, and let him know that I had found a new show I like, and he casually mentions "Have I been keeping up with the weather there?" I say no but I can check the computer, and let him know its supposed to storm there latter, and then I start talking to him, his friends are in the background and one made a comment that They Told Him So, and I was like huh?
His response was one of his friends said that if he called me I would want to talk and he just wanted the weather report from me... Well this KINDA pissed me off because well I mean I am not the freakin weather channel, so I guess my voice got a little tense and he made the comment well I do tend to call three or four times on Sunday.. and I do usually when I get off work, about and hour later and when I am going to bed, okay maybe that's a little obsessive but that's me. Of course his comment made me even more angry so I told him to go play with his friends and call me when ever he felt like it,
which then caused us to get into an argument over whether or not I was Pissy. When I get Pissy the best thing is for me to be left alone to cool off not to have someone saying You sound pissy we just had this conversation about you saying you aren't something when you clearly are. and so I told him very calmly Go play with your friends I love you call me later. and hung up...
Now he never says I love you back unless I am there or he feels bad about something (The 4 am phone call for instance, he said I love you on that one when he was calling me to say he was leaving and on his way home ) this upsets me and he knows it.
I just don't really know what to do any more, I have been told that It's just me, I don't like change, and I hate it when things change around me. They say it's because I don't like to lose control. They point to the fact I have stuck with jobs I HATE because I didn't have anything else to go to, and I can't not work, its to ingrained in me. (This one I have now and the waitress job I had before.) That If I am not forced into the change I won't let it happen to me. That I am scared and worried. And I am scared, I mean I am taking a big step, moving out to move in with a guy, something I swore I would never do when I was younger, because "Good Girl's Don't"
Not a lot of my real life friends read this blog and I am glad for that because what I show on the outside doesn't always reflect what is going on in the inside..
I have been sitting here typing this and listening to one of the songs I tend to listen to when I get pensive, and a lot of the lines are ringing bells in this song today... "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and a broken Hallelujah," and "maybe there's a god above and all i ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who out drew you..."
So here's two versions of that song for your viewing pleasure.
and click here.