Monday, March 09, 2009

Sunrise.... Its a pretty thing...

So I wanted to start this off with a small note:

I am not a pessimistic person by nature, in fact I am the complete opposite. Kensei is allways joking with me that the reason we go to gether is the whole oppisoites attract theroy. He, who sees the glass as half empty and me who sees half ful equal one glass. or something like that. Which is why the thoughts in my head this morning were completely out of character for me.

Now this morning for me is technically Sunday morning, because of my working schedual now. I was driving home and looking at the sunrise as I passed under the I-77 bridges. In the sunrise they are painted with pinks and golds, its actually very pretty. But today it made me sad.

I had a doctors appointment on Saturday. I went to the doctor for the physical, she wouldn't give me my birthconrtol pills until I did. I have gained twenty pounds, which is odd considering I lost ten last visit which was two weeks before, and so I have gained the 10 back and then 10 more. not good. Then on top of that when I just got out of highschool at 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS, which for those who don't know can cause infertility as it progresses. I had a very advanced case for a 17 year old. Which for a girl who wanted nothing more than a VERY large family was a blow. As my doctor was very suprised to know that I did not have a perscription for metformin and clomiphene which according to her I should have been started on at 17. that was six years ago. She plans to start me now but she says it could have made me a little better off.

Kensei and I discussed my fears back then, but the conversation made him very uncomfortable, (He doesn't like it when girls cry) I have not really ever brought it up. Which leads him to think that it is okay to joke about it, and then I just play along.

But back to this morning, Like I said I am usually a very happy person, but driving home this morning listening to country music (I know not the best choice) I started thinking about what life would have been like if I had done things different, been different. what if I hadn't been diagnosed with PCOS? What if I had said yes when I was 16 and Kesnei asked me to run away with him? Would I have a big family by now? Would I have gone to college? Would We have been happy? What would my kids be like? What if I hadn't agreed to wait until I had graduated to have kids? I only did because of the PCOS I knew i would have to get fertility treaments to have kids so I figured I would wait and have more money so I could. Then I started thinking about all the kids in the world. Why do people who don't want kids have them? Why do I have to worry, when they can have kids like rabbits?

I got home, took a sleeping pill and went to sleep. Still depressed and sad. I know about adoption and I want to, I've always wanted to, a little boy or girl, espically form China, or India. But I still want kids of my own, i want to know how it feels to have a baby.

I am making myself sad again, and I know not that many people read my blog so hopefully I won't lose the few readers who do! I hope you all have a great monday!

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